128: damn its been a while huh?

quick update to fill in the major/meager eents of the past months (wow.)
exams are over! yay.
I am a pedophile.. yay. (k not a pedophile.. hopelessly desperate then)
I have become highly addicted to japan. yay (for japan)
I am the senator. yay
everythings starting with 'I'. yay.
I ate gren pringles (seaweed flavoured.) It's really weird... yay.
geez, so many yet so little has actually happened in these months.
either that or i dont remember..

innywho I just wanna spread my philosphical stuff to get it off my chest :)

I have decided that in (my) life I can live 3 ways. (well 2... or 4)
1) Is the robotic/mainstream way of life, where I go to college and get a job that I am acceptionally content with and settle down yada yada
2) there is the save the world life! where I can work for things like national geographic or discoery channel or something and see the world and be like that crocodile hunter guy that died by a stingray or I can be like a journalist and say stuff about poverty and global warming. its just to pretty much go around the world and really... experience stuff, and cange things (scientifically) I guess.. I just wanna explore the world you know.
3) the ninja way ;) I can like be a hermit or some philosophical traverller. sorta something like going to japan and finding a akido house where i can live in for free and dedicate my whole life to perfecting the art of akido under a master that i can respect and form a close bond with etc. etc those cliche type things. so this one is pretty much to dedicate myself humbly to something or secretively... something like number 1 but not number 1?
4) and semi lastly... the entertainment industry! i can be like a director or writer and create my own films and inspire people through my movies. or an actress in japanese drama series and participate in japanse variety shows xD (yes it is one of my dreams.. so what)

It sucks how by chosing one it sort of feels like its impossible to be able to turn back to be able to try the other ones. and there are so many things to worry about and plan for and take care of in order to get to at least one of them. in a way i see it, 4 might be the more suitable option to chose if i were to aim for all 4, if i make it big as a director or actress then on sight filming can take me to places ive never seen before and by perfecting my skills its sorta like number 3, its just number 1 thats hard to handle...
its like theres no normal ness in the entertainment industry (unless im a directory then thats good enoug :D I earn $$ and i dont have to go shopping wearing big sunglasses and a hat pulled down all the way past my eyebrows)

i hate how theres so many perspectives and ways to live that its so hard to dedicate myself to one. and when i dedicate myself to one (currently that one being a highschool happy student etc etc) it feels unfulfilling... like.. in a way I cant ever fully dedicate myself to it.

I lost the feeling...
hold on... nope i cant get it back..

now i have no idea what to say cause i lost my point..
but i guess my point is... its easy to be happy in life. but its hard to be ______. its hard to find it.

ya know?

and then I also have another issue.
why do we idolise celeberites so much?
when you see how glamorous they are on tv and then you go to their concerts your overwhelmed!
and then these rumours and scandals come out and die hard fans deffend the celebs.
i find it all really weird.
cause then... arent these people too?
what makes us idolise them so much when we dont even know them know them?
we think we know them, when you hear these rumors we deffend them like we have every right to (ok we do... but.. the celebs dont know you, they'll only say "i wanna thank my fans" and you feel special cause your thanked.. along with a gazillion others)
I dunnoo.
I'm not bad mouthing or anything, i just feel like... this bond we have, the connection we create due to the media with the people or characters (yes like edward cullen, where so many girlfriends broke up with their boyfriends cause theyre not like edward cullen. wtf?) the connection we create with these people, what is it?
the bond we have with our family is through blood etc. we're family
bonds with friends? we go through thick and thin etc. nakama ;D
these two are personal basis
then what bout other bonds?
bonds with strangers, or something.. im too lazy to explain bonds right now cause i dont have that issue on my chest (yet) but whats really bugging me is
how the connection of fan and celeb is created.

i can understand those that inspire others. but sometimes it just sounds like an excuse. as an art student i can totally relate and understand to things like, response to issues in society and relating and responding and admiring others art etc etc. but sometimes, most of the times its not like that! people wanna know who theyre dating and people create fan fiction and people create things like, i dunno i cant explain!!

its just weird.

why are people so...

addicted?

and how come when you're in this world where you're admiring something (from celebs, characters, anything you hard corely admire)
how come that world, when comparing it to reality, reality really feels so black and white. like watching paint dry.

when actually, you (should) realise, its not. cause you can make so much more out of reality when your focusing on it instead of admiring and dazing out into that world of "your not even in personal terms with the character, they dont know you exist etc etc" world, that reality can seem like its so much much better.

and when i realise this (and snap out and completely forget about that world) I am happy :) :)
and it makes me want to have a camera and video tape it and show it to the rest of the world so that other people can go into the world of admiring US :D

somehow by having a world, reality feels much lonlier.

that world is an escape. to a place where you can dream (i guess... for me I imagine scenarios of what would happen if i were friends with them) and then reality comes into play and it gets confusing and hard to manage sometimes and it gets hard to accept. (somehow.... hmm.. not really explaining myself properly here)

innywho...
thats all i can say for now.. since i cant really do any better.

xxx
batman forgot how to end these posts